High School Rewind

I admit - up front - that this post idea was totally poached from one of my favorite bloggers Emily Schuman’s Cupcakes & Cashmere (two of my favorite things – especially when they come in pink!) Advice To My High School Self…

1. Enjoy the Moment. While in high school I had such big dreams of all that I wanted to accomplish in my precious 4 years – make homecoming court, become a cheerleader (no judgment, please), date the preacher’s son (yes, I went to a private Christian school) and make straight A’s (and I was totally a nerdy geek!). I did accomplish all of these things but each time I reached a milestone it was so anticlimactic. I spent so much time and vigor obtaining these things that when I achieved them there was very little energy to enjoy them or, even worse, I was too busy trying to achieve the next goal that I didn’t enjoy what I had. This is a hard habit to break once it takes root. It took me countless year to learn to live in contentment.
2. Ensure you find (at least, part of) yourself. I think I was really caught up in doing and being what others wanted me to be – parents, smart friends, social forces – that it was not until I graduated college did I begin the search to find the real and total me. Had I recognized in my early years that I loved to travel I would have made decisions 20 years ago that would have better supported this indulgence.
3. Don’t Let Fear Hold You Back. I think this is easier to say in hindsight than actually live and breath as an adolescent. As a tall, gawky, awkward individual I constantly lived in fear of disappointing people. I had this drive of perfection, which propelled me to be very successful but also took me 15 years to realize it was and is an unrealistic goal that will never be attained. Going back I would have just enjoyed the process of things much more and laughed at myself realizing it was all part of my development.
4. Develop a Great Health and Fitness Lifestyle. As mentioned, I was a cheerleader (for one year) and I did try out for the softball team (making it but being so bad at batting I was quickly asked to take stats – for a private Christian school, may I remind you. Yes, I was that bad). There was no dance squad (something in which I was semi-successful) so I gave up sports all together. This lack of activity never led to a complete road of health destruction but it certainly made it much more difficult to start and maintain a constant, healthy fitness level in my adult years.
5. Disappointment is Inevitable. The fact that you took up reading, as it was the only thing left when all your friends went to sports practice. The super cute guy that never noticed you and now you don’t even remember his name or face. The fact that you came in second in every class because you just couldn’t make yourself smarter than Kristi Tesch. What I learned is that since high school my love for reading has provided me with such a wealth of knowledge for my growth and the development of my teams. Coming in second prepared me for a life of humility and there is grace knowing that there will always be others that smarter, richer, better looking than me. And, that I have only dated guys that touched my soul not just my physicality And, all that’s okay.

The Blessing in Loss

No matter how many cherished friends you have or how big your family is or how close-knit your spiritual circle is no one can prepare you for loss. Even if someone has walked in your path and knows death in the same manner as you it still does not provide a solace from the pain. When you are alone in the darkness and your mind races with the “whys” how do you find the blessing in the loss? There is much contradiction over whether God “allows” things to happen and why He does – especially for the innocent. While I am certainly not a biblical scholar I can only draw on from my own experience and walk. There were many years that I asked God why. In the beginning, my coping mechanism was just to shove the hurt as far down in my soul as possible. Well, we all know that is just a bad idea on so many levels. For almost two years the pain and hurt reared its ugly head with a road map to a completely destructive and ungodly life that, in the end, just resulted in more pain and anguish as I, then, had multiple things to work through.

Once I righted my demolition course I then dug deep into the recesses of my soul where the ache of losing my son through miscarriage resided. I began to search for any small glimpse of hope that would comfort me as just accepting this circumstance was beyond my comprehension. Friends and society told me that this happens to thousands of women on a daily basis and while it stings life goes on. I needed to understand that God understood and that He could provide comfort.

I was led to the Beatitudes and the meaning of blessing.

The definition of blessed means those who live with God in heaven. “Oh!” is not an effective adjective to describe my reaction. This meaning of blessing that intertwines so complexly in our natural and supernatural man gave me a whole new perspective as I lived in this elementary state of understanding when it came to the definition of blessing. For me, blessed was an adjective that I as a Christian had glibly tossed around for much of my life. But, understanding its meaning brought sobriety to my situation. Blessed is not a label we Christians wear around as an extension of happiness. It is not a promise of bliss, laughter, joy, pleasure or a multitude of earthly possessions. In Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, blessed means I get to experience joy and hope outside of the circumstance that I am walking through.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4). 

And then the Holy Spirit led me to a deeper meaning … I am blessed in this situation because I get to draw nearer to God and that is one of the things He longs for most. When things are going well and I live out the “blessed” life according to my own meaning I can often be distant from God. But when catastrophe hits and I find myself running to Him, He becomes blessed as well. Therein lies my blessing in loss. While it may be simple, it is the hope that helps me survive the "whys".

Be a Jeremiah

We are all called to a particular greatness! And, in the beginning when we first get a glimpse of this great calling on our life we approach it with much enthusiasm. However, with time and obstacles our eagerness begins to fade. We begin to be complacent on the road to our great destiny.  Look at Jeremiah. God assigned him a daunting, unfavorable, rough road. How accepted are you when you walk into a social circle and inform them that God is not happy? Not so popular. But, Jeremiah walked out his task with tenacity. He was obedient even on the darkest days. God measured him successful, as he was obedient even when it was consistently difficult. Regardless of opposition, Jeremiah faithfully proclaimed the Word of God!

In this day and age and, in particular, this part of the country there is a lack of long-term commitment, caring and willingness to stick with our purpose against all odds. God calls us to endure and fight the good fight of faith - 1 Timothy 6:12. I think we sometimes forget that one day we will be accountable for all things. When it comes to your test of endurance how will you account?

I find this challenge particularly poignant at the moment as I feel I am at a crossroad. I am not sure which path to take … one direction is leading me with my head; however, I am not sure my heart is in it. The other path seems to be a gray and undefined. While these uncertain paths often lead to greatest victories and defining moments it is the first step of faith that is so frightening. 

Regardless of how I feel I will be led and I will be obedient. I am just thankful God actually chose Jeremiah instead of me. How will you endure?

TUG OF WAR

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light – Matthew 11:30  What an easy scripture to quote and meditate on … yet, (for me) such a hard scripture to walk out. Yes, God and I have a tug-of-war … repetitively. I have heard and tried to abide by this for most of my years but when I really contemplate on this I #fail CONSTANTLY.

I start all nice and neat with prayer of “giving” my burden to God. But, His timing is not my timing. His ways are not my ways. And, I, almost always, take my burden back. In my feeble, humanistic reasoning I think that I can solve this problem so much better or faster than God. And, I just end up frustrated with one more trip around the mountain.

Just when I start to celebrate thinking I have overcome something, He brings that situation right back into my life. Herein lies the test. This is to see if I can surrender again. This is to see if I can and have really turned this area over to God. I have concluded that once is easy – I mean we can do anything for a moment or even a season. It is the repetition of a burden that defines how much we have grown.

I came across such type situation again this week. I had gone through something really heart wrenching in the fall. Truth be told, I did not handle it well. I tried but I did not succeed. I did, however, recognize my failure and repented. So, what did God do? He tested me again. This time, I was much more victorious! It is not that the situation was not any easier. It was just that I really did cast that care upon the Lord. 

A New Beginning

I get really excited about every New Year. I love new beginnings! I used to move often in my younger years because each new apartment was a blank canvas and I was enthusiastic about splashing as many colors as possible into the 600 square feet of my humble abodes. I am, also, a purger when it comes to things, clothing, furniture, etc. I am very much out with the old and in with the new.  I love fresh, blank calendars. I love empty, unfilled journals. I love new goals. My mind runs wild with anticipation!

And then 90 days hit and there lies the brick walls; the enormous pot holes; and constant struggles of everyday existence. Life is not quite as shiny as it was a mere three months ago. Those goals and objectives become tiring to-do lists. The new leaves I was thrilled to turn over become crumbled and noisy under my feet.

How do you maintain the passion that comes at the stroke of midnight on that 365^th day of the year? How do preserve the strength to fight for all the new accomplishments you promised yourself you would achieve?

This year I will break free of the boredom, the mundane and the ever-present force that attempts to constantly suck my joy when things, days and moments do not unfold exactly as I expect. I will find enjoyment in the turns and twists of the path life & God lead.

Here’s to an exciting year!